I don't think so - 2023 10 21

 


Early this morning, out of curiosity, I made a list of things that need doing. These are near horizon things only, they just need doing as soon as I can get to them. There were 48 items on the list when I had to stop because I had to get busy helping Mom with her morning routine.

Last summer I was informed that SPOR Evidence Alliance had selected my research topic for a $50,000 research grant to conduct an initial literature review. My research topic was to look into the quantitative data of family caregiving - what do we know of the time and materials costs of family caregiving documented through receipts, time and motion studies, time on task records?

My writing this evening is interrupted with the slow shuffle of Mom's slippers in the hall.

"Jenny, can you come and help me? I can't get the blankets on the bed." Mom was upset. She had gotten into her pyjamas, her dentures were soaking and she had taken care of her toileting needs. What had defeated her was not being able to pull the blankets back so she could get into bed. 

Later in the morning I took the dog out for her walk and met up with my neighbour and friend, who also happens to be involved in supporting Patient Oriented Research (POR) in our local health unit. He asked me how I would feel if the entire research grant fund was allocated to the paid research professionals and none of the funding would be paid for my time working on the research topic. 

I told him that I would not agree to work on the project. If I did not see a budget line item for my time allocating funds for planning, executing and reporting on the research topic I would not be participating and I would withdraw from the grant.

"Here's the problem, Mom, the sheet is tangled in the bed frame. There, it's free now, you can get into bed."

Mom's breathing was laboured and she was looking worried. "Thank you, Jenny. I don't know why I couldn't do that." 

"It's okay, Mom, I know why you couldn't do it. It is just part of growing old. You are feeling it, and it is ok. We are letting nature takes its course."

As I worked on various tasks throughout the day I felt drained and exhausted. I felt disappointed. Aggravated. Frustrated. Taken advantage. Exploited. I knew I was going to have to put time and energy into processing my experience with the SPOR Evidence Alliance to date and I noticed that it was drawing down my precious energy reserves. 

I did not want to have to add more items to my unfinished task list, and yet, if I didn't sort this out it was just going to be a continuing drain on my energy.

Mom struggled to get turned over and put the pillow in the right spot. I slipped the hot water bottle in under her cold feet. "I guess you are right." She sighed.

"Yes, Mom, I know I am right. You know, I am feeling it, too. I am getting older and I am feeling it. We are doing the best we can with what we have and we are doing great!"

Here I am, in the precious hour after Mom goes to bed and before I fall into bed, putting my scant emotional, mental and intellectual resources to work to make sense of my experience and figure out my next right steps.

My highest value, my highest commitment, is to take care of Mom. Anything that draws my resources away from that mission must, of necessity, be removed from my lists.

"Thank you, dear. You are an angel."

"So are you, Mom, sleep tight." I kissed her forehead and turned out the light.

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